Gee, Officer Krupke!
Music: Leonard Bernstein/Lyrics: Stephen Sondheim

RIFF:
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke,
You gotta understand,
It's just our bringing up-ke
That get us out of hand
Our mothers all are junkies,
Our fathers all are drunks,
Golly Moses, natcherly we're punks!

RIFF and QUARTET:
Gee Officer Krupke, we're very upset;
We never had the love that every child oughta get
We ain't no delinquents,
We're misunderstood,
Deep down inside us there is good!

RIFF:
There is good!

ALL:
There is good, there is good,
There's an tapped good,
Like inside, the worst of us is good

SNOWBOY(imitating Krupke):
That's a touchin' good story!

ACTION: Lemme tell you to the world!

SNOWBOY ("Krupke"):
Just tell it to the judge!

RIFF(to "Judge"):
Dear kindly Judge, your Honor,
My parents treat me rough,
With all the marijuana,
They won't give me a puff
They didn't wanna have me,
But somehow I was had
Leapin' lizards, that's why I'm so bad!

DIESEL ("Judge"):
Officer Krupke, you're really a square;
This boy don't need a judge, he needs an
analyst's care!
It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed
He's psychologic'ly disturbed!

RIFF:
I'm disturbed!

ALL:
We're disturbed we're disturbed,
We're the most disturbed,
Like we're psychologic'ly disturbed

DIESEL ("Judge"):
In the opinion of this court, this child is
depraved on account
he ain't had a normal home

RIFF: Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!

DIESEL ("Judge"): So take him to a headshrinker

RIFF (to "Psychiatrist"):
My father beats my mommy,
My mommy clobbers me
My grandpa's always plastered,
My grandma pushes tea,
My sister wears a mustache,
My brother wears a dress,
Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!

A-RAB ("psychiatrist"):
Yes!
Officer Krupke, you're really a slo
This boy don't need a doctor, just a good honest jo
Society's played him a terrible trick,
"Und" sociogic'ly he's sick!

RIFF:
I am sick!

ALL:
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick sick sick,
Like we're sociologically sick!

A-RAB ("psychiatrist"):
In my opinion this child don't need to have
his head shrunk at all
Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease!

RIFF: Hey, I got a social disease!

A-RAB ("psychiatrist"):
So take him to a social worker!

RIFF (to "Social Worker"):
Dear kindly social worker
They say go earn a buck,
Like be a soda jerker,
Which means like be a schmuck
It's not I'm anti-social,
I'm only anti-work,
Glory Osky, that's why I'm a jerk!

BABY JONN (imitating female social worker):
Eek!
Officer Krupke, you've done it again
This boy don't need a job, he needs a year in the pen
It ain't just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside him, he's no good!

RIFF:
I'm no good!

ALL:
We're no good, we're no good,
We're no earthly good,
Like the best of us is no damn good!

DIESEL ("Judge"):
The trouble is he's crazy!

A-RAB ("Psychiatrist"):
The trouble is he drinks!

BABY JOHN ("Social Worker"):
The trouble is he's lazy!

DIESEL ("Judge"):
The trouble is he stinks!

A-RAB ("Psychiatrist"):
The trouble is he's growing!

BABY JOHN ("Social Worker"):
The trouble is he's grown!

ALL:
Krupke we got troubles of our own!
Gee, Officer Krupke,
We're down on our knees,
'Cause no one wants a fella with a social disease
Gee, Officer Krupke,
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Krupke,
Krup you!