Dr Kelso:
Hello, I'm Dr Kelso, I'm delighted that you came
So the doctors say you fainted, and you don't know what's to blame
Well, put your mind at ease, there's no ill we can't outsmart
On behalf of all who work here

All:
Welcome to Sacred Heart!

JD:
Our facilities are excellent! You couldn't ask for more
Janitor:
As long as you avoid the bathrooms on the second floor

Dr Kelso:
This is Dr Cox, I'll be giving him your chart
Dr Cox:
And that's Dr Kelso -- the kiss-ass of Sacred Heart!

Turk:
You say you burned your hand real bad -- we'll fix you up with gauze
Elliot:
Perhaps you need your fat sucked out -- or want a smaller schnoz!
JD:
Hey!

Dr Kelso:
You caught an STD from some tasty little tart?

All:
We swear
We won't judge you here at Sacred
Here at Sacred
Here at Sacred Heart!

(Instrumental)

Dr Kelso:
One more thing that I should mention, if what I've heard is true
And everyone appears to be singing to you

All:
Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh!

Dr Kelso:
Your case is very serious! And we'd better start!

All:
'Cause if you think we're singing, you belong at Sacred Heart!
Doctors! Nurses! Patients! Dead guys!
Welcome to Sacred Heart!