You're not Bridget Bardot, I'm not Jack Palance I'm not Shirley Temple by any circumstance, Or Fred Astaire You're not Sidney Taffler, I'm not Dirk Bogarde I'm...

Oh, let's get up and let's get excited It's a public party and you're all invited Let's cut the custard, see the mustard Please hold steady till we're maladjust...

So I'm screaming this to you, waaagh From the last place in the queue, waaah, waaah I really think you'd like me given half a chance But since we ain't got that...

Here I stand with a dough nut for a brain On my life, I must see you again I should think that's made it very plain Is it his, is it his or is it ain't? Don't ...

Moments of sadness, moments of guilt Stains on the memory, stains on the quilt Chapter of incidents, chapter and verse Sub-heading chronic, paragraph worse Los...

In the deserts of Sudan and the gardens of Japan From Milan to Yucatan, ev'ry woman, ev'ry man Hit me your rhythm stick, hit me, hit me Je t'adore, ich liebe d...

(spoken) I'm Charley, you know I'm Norman pleased to meet you I'm Mickey, hello Wilko I'm Johnny, how are you doing Harry? My name is David And I'm Ian and gue...

In the mirror, when I'm debonair My reactions are my own affair A body likes to be near the bone Oh Nancy, Leslie, Jack and Joan I die when I'm alone, alone Sh...

Excuse me, excuse me Get right out of the way Quiet! (Flop-flops) I'm sorry, beg pardon The fault's entirely yours Quiet! (Big Chops) Your Highness, your Wors...

In my yellow jersey, I went out on the nick South Street Romford, shopping arcade Got a Razzle magazine, I never paid Inside my jacket and away double quick Goo...

Why don't you get back into bed Why don't you get back into bed Why don't you get back into bed Why don't you get back into bed Reasons to be cheerful part 3 1...

Sex and drugs and rock and roll Is all my brain and body need Sex and drugs and rock and roll Is very good indeed Keep your silly ways or throw them out the wi...

Till I met her, I thought I knew the answers I thought a bit of treatment was all a body needs I'll take you where the haps are All the handsome chaps are Squee...

Blue Gene baby Skinny white sailor, the chances were slender The beauties were brief Shall I mourn you decline with some thunderbird wine And a black handkerch...

Noel Coward was a charmer As a writer he was brahma Velvet jackets and pyjamas, "the gay divorce" and other dramas There ain't half been some clever bastards (...

(spoken) Morning Reg, meat and two veg? He done him with a ten-pound sledge, he done himself a favour Crash! Forty-year old housewife Mrs Elizabeth Walk of La...

Waiting for your taxi Which taxi never comes Waiting for your taxi Waiting for your taxi Which taxi never comes Waiting for your taxi Waiting for your taxi Wh...

I come awake with the gift for womankind You're still asleep but the gift don't seem to mind Rise on this occasion, halfway up your back Sliding down your body,...

I could be the driver in an articulated lorry I could be a poet, I wouldn't need to worry I could be the teacher in a classroom full of scholars I could be the ...

(All spoken) You'll see They think I'm off my crust as I creep about the caff But I'm really getting ready to surprise them all, Because I'm busy sorting out ...

You're more than fair; you've got a gorgeous bum Why don't you come to my house and meet my mum I like your titties, they're nice and small Let me have a squeez...