I came crawling home last night, like many nights before
I finally made it to my feet as she opened up the door
And she said, "You're not gonna do this anymore"
She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
"So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam
"We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall
"And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall"
She said: "Just bring your Friday paycheck, and I'll cash them all right here
"And I'll keep on tap - for all your friends, their favorite kinds of beer
"And for you, I'll always keep in stock, those soft aluminum cans
"And when you're feeling macho, you can crush them like a man"
She said: "We'll rip out all the carpet, and put sawdust on the floor
"Serve hard boiled eggs and pretzels, and I won't cook no more
"There'll be Monday night football, on TV above the bar
"And a pay phone in the hallway, when your friends can't find their car"
She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
"So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam
"We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall
"And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall"
She said: "You'll get friendly service, and Friday atmosphere
"I'll slip on something sexy, and I'll cut it clear to here
"Then you can slap my bottom, every time you tell a joke
"Just as long as you keep tipping, well, I'll laugh until you're broke"
She said: "Instead of family quarrels, we'll have a bar-room brawl,
"When the Ham's bear say's its closing time, you won't have far to crawl
"And when you run out of money, you'll have me to thank
"You can sleep it off next morning, when I'm putting it in the bank"
She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino, to decorate our home,
"So you can feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam
"When you and your friends get off from work, and have a powerful thirst
"There won't be any reason, why you can't stop off here first"
She said: "I'm gonna' hire a wino to decorate our home,
"So you'll feel more at ease here, and you won't have to roam
"We'll take out the dining room table, and put a bar along that wall
"And a neon sign, to point the way, to our bathroom down the hall"