I spot an active drowning victim form a mile away,
I save old men in seas like Hemmingway
The swimming pool not taken?
Watch out for Frost,
Don't get busted like Milton,
Or paradise will be lost
Its like that, and that's the way it is
Don't Run-DMC, walk like the other kids
And if you get in trouble, I use a contact dive,
I extent my rescue tube to keep you alive
If you're submerged, I'll dive feet first,
And bring you to a backboard, never to a hearse
Because DOA victims are for amateurs,
I do it my safe way, you do it yours,
Like Raleys or Luckys or Albertsons
Did the victim hurt his neck? Im going in
I support your chin, airway and spine,
With my head-splint technique everything is fine
My EAP is CPR after those rescue breaths,
Then I'll check your airway for respiratory arrest
Then it's sweep, ventilation, and abdominal thrusts,
I get the pool toy out I can, will, and must
Prepared for emergencies Ive got my life together,
And understand my job keeps you alive like Eddie Vedder
If you're a stressed-out mom
Who keeps her children fettered,
Your kids are safe today, see, no lifeguard is better
Ten times as reliable mature and fitter
Than your average lifeguard as a water babysitter,
Betsy Weeks trained me well at Roble Gym,
And Im slamming into swim safety, not a Slim Jim
CHORUS
Lifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea,
I keep both eyes on your progeny
The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3,
Because Im C-E-R-T-F-I-E-D
And when I act it's with informed consent,
If you wont cooperate, I circumvent
And call the cops, best recognize
Its not wise to distract me as I scrutinize
The pool, it's called scanning, best take a hint
And shut your mouth, you don't matter like lint
Larry Flint might argue that your
Voice means nothing, but I be like Bush
And say for safety it means nothing
Im disciplined and talented at what I do,
And hope to say the same for my lifeguard crew,
Because unlike the Insane Clown Posse,
We practice our skills repeatedly
And don't cash in on tentative integrity
Or fire dope producers for more money
Wait, what, where was I?
I guess I got side-tracked
Dissing Detroit high school drop-outs
With new albums that are whack
Back on track, heres the point:
Im safe like what!
Making sure the chemical room doors always shut
See that gardeners dirty trowel?
Well, I don't Im too busy making
Sure your kids stay afloat
And see that dude who kind of looks like Shrek,
But imported like badly dubbed French Star Trek?
Nope, I double check
The bubble trek from your kids lungs
The shovel speck or
Smuggled Shrek distract no one
Like me, I don't notice, no, just your kids
But did I see that kid run? Oh yes I did!
Peripherally, so Im a lay the smack down
And turn their smiles into one collective frown
Hey kids, stop running! You know the rule!
Yes Im a tool from lifeguard school
But safety is cool here at the pool,
And trust me on the sunscreen, don't be a fool
REPEAT CHORUS