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It was time to make the doughnuts it was very very early It was 2:37 in the afternoon I turned off my alarm clock and I stumbled over several Pizza boxes and my girlfriend on the way to the bathroom While I waiting for the fluorescent lights To flicker on I thought I saw in the dark... Something was up and I couldn't tell what But my mind got the sign there was something to see So I shut my eyes to squeeze the image Out of the back of my head but I missed my mark The lights were on now and I couldn't ignore There was a stranger in the mirror and he was staring at me CHORUS: Don't get me wrong I'm not talking about some kind of figurative stranger here No existential bullshit from Camus or Billy Joel I'm not saying I didn't recognize myself in the mirror Or that I didn't like the kind of person I saw No I'm talking about an actual literal kind of stranger here Like the villain in issue 104 of the Flash There was no question this was not your everyday reflection This was some middle aged balding Jewish guy and he had a moustache There's a stranger in my mirror there's a new face on the wall After that Newcastle incident I thought that I'd seen it all Things like this are always happening to me Well I stood there looking stupid in my twenty-dollar bathrobe With my Indicator toothbrush sticking in between my teeth My eyes just opened wider when I looked back in the mirror And saw the stranger with his toothbrush staring back in disbelief Then I ran my finger down the length of the mirror To see if the stranger would follow my lead Our actions were in perfect synch And I wondered just exactly who was in control So I grabbed my girlfriend's Lady Bic razor And ran it down the length of my face to see if he would bleed Blood was flowing from both of our cheeks But I couldn't tell whose blood was in my shaving bowl CHORUS I am young enough to be this old bald fat guy's son I've never even met an Arab and I don't even own a gun Things like this are always happening to me There was that time when the shopping mall devoured my Aunt Sue And when my pet canary turned to stone I didn't know what to do I scolded my basilisk from behind my mirrored shield That was the same week Adrian Veidt removed my intrinsic field I had nothing to lose So I played the lottery It was run by Shirley Jackson I said, "Put down those stones," Somebody dropped my canary I had a friend in a convent Nergal said, "Get thee to a nunnery." And another friend who stuttered and quoted Lovecraft I had a girl in New York City They were all killed by the Invunche Or the time when I awoke from unsettling dreams transformed in my bed into a monstrous vermin And those three days each August when my shadow is replaced by that of Ethel Merman I'd love to tell these stories and I'm sure you like to hear But right now I've got to face this stranger in my mirror Well it was all quite interesting to have my doppelganger But it was getting boring and I had to use the loo So I leaned into the mirror and then I leaned a little closer And then I leaned a little closer still and quietly said, "Boo!" Well the stranger grabbed his chest and heaved and wheezed and choked And hemorrhaged and fell on the floor I tried to help him but unfortunately I lacked the ability to phase Through solid objects like mirrors And even if I could I don't know CPR So I hit the lights and then quietly walked out the door I could wait til tomorrow to shave Or maybe I'll just give it up and grow a beard Or a moustache like the dead guy who's inside of my mirror CHORUS There's a dead guy in my mirror there's a dead guy on the floor I hope to God that I won't see that dead guy anymore Things like this are always happening to me If there's a moral to this story Then I'd really like to hear what you think it is (Tell me the moral tell me the moral Tell me the moral tell me the moral) Like if there's a stranger in your mirror Always know which side of the room is his (That's not a moral that's not a moral Tell me the moral tell me the moral) How about don't ever try to shave while under fluorescent lights You know that that's a fact (I was hoping you would say something like "Nothing in this world is ever as it appears") Or don't go frightening bald fat Jewish guys If you don't want them having heart attacks That's more like it and I guess that concludes Our overlength adventures with the man in the mirror
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