Dungeons and Dragons? by Dr Demento
Narrator: Dungeons and Dragons, Satan's game Your children like it or not, are attracted in their weaker years to the Occult and a game like D+D fuels their imagination and makes them feel special, while drawing them deeper and deeper into the bowels of El Diablo This afternoon the Dead Alewives watch tower invites you to sit in on an actual gaming session Observe the previously unobservable as a hidden camera takes you to the inner sanctum of Dungeons and Dragons
Graham: Galstaff you have entered the door to the north You are now by yourself standing in a dark room, the pungent stench of mildew emanates off the wet dungeon walls
Nightblade: Where are the Cheetos!
Graham: They're right next to you
Galstaff: I cast a spell
Nightblade: Where's the Mountain Dew!
Graham: In the Fridge DUH!
Galstaff: I wanna cast a spell
Nightblade: Can I have a Mountain Dew!
Graham: Yes, you can have a Mountain Dew just go get it
Galstaff: I can cast any of these right, on the list?
Graham: Yes, any any of the first level ones
Nightblade: I'm gonna get a soda, any one want one? Hey Graham I'm not in the room right?
Graham: What room?
Galstaff: I wanna cast magic missile
Nightblade: The room where he's casting all these spells from!
Graham: He hasn't cast any thing yet
Galstaff: I am though if you'd listen I'm casting Magic Missile
Graham: Why are you casting Magic Missile, there's nothing to attack here
Galstaff: I- I- I'm attacking the darkness
(laughing)
Graham: Fine fine you attack the darkness there's an elf in front of you
Picard: Whoa! That's me right?
Graham: He's wearing a brown tunic and he has gray hair and blue eyes
Picard: No I don't, I have gray eyes
Graham: Let me see that sheet
Picard: Well it says I have, well it says I have blue but I decided I wanted gray eyes
Graham: Whatever, ok, you guys can talk now if you want
Galstaff: Hello
Picard: Hello
Galstaff: I am Galstaff, Sorcerer of Light
Picard: Then how come you had to cast Magic Missile?
(laughing)
Graham: Y- Y- Y- You guys are being attacked
Nightblade: Do I see that happening!?!
Graham: NO! You're outside by the tavern
Nightblade: Cool, I get drunk!
Graham: Ugh There are there are seven ogres surrounding you
Picard: How can they surround us? I had Mordenkainens Magical Watch Dog cast!
Graham: No you didn't
Nightblade: I'm getting drunk! Are there any girls there?
Picard: I totally did You asked me if I wanted any equipment before this adventure, and I said no, but I need material components for all my spells, so I cast Mordenkainens Faithful Watch Dog
Graham: But you never actually cast it
Nightblade: Roll the dice to see if I'm getting drunk!
Graham: Ugh Yeah you are
Nightblade: Are there any girls there?
Graham: Yeah!
Picard: I did though; I completely said when you asked me
Graham: No you didn't You didn't actually say that you were casting the spell so now there's ogres Ok
Nightblade: OGRES!?! Man, I got an ogre slaying knife! It's got a +9 against ogres!
Graham: You're not there, you're getting DRUNK!
Nightblade: Ok, but if there's any girls there I wanna do them!
Narrator: There you have it A frightening look into Americas most frightening past time Remember that it's not you children's fault that's their being drawn into a satanic world of nightmare It's their gym teachers fault for making them feel out cast when they couldn't do one single pull up