'you know a wise man once said, never judge a book by its cover, always read the whole thing in the bloody book shop and then decide if you wish to purchase it A friend of mine was judged, he was a bit of a dirty book, he was a necrophiliac who killed his partners, is that wrong? You see"¦'

He was quiet, he was shy a stay-at-home sort of guy
Someone you'd trust your sister with he had a twinkle in his eye
But they said he was psychotic
They called him psychotically disturbed
They said he was mentally unbalanced
They called him a schizophrenic mass murderer
With severe fractious personality disorders
They used their jargonistic words so he killed and mutilated
Served his victim on a tray but Dennis Nielson was my friend, OKAY?
Tuesday nights we'd go out bowling and he'd blow those pins to hell
He'd watch what he'd eat and it watched him as well

'Coochie coochie coo, time to go to sleep'

He was my friend, a friend, we can all be friends
If we just let this little hurt between us mend

Let me tell you about my friend, boys
I met him at the circus he was hiding in the dark
Pulling funny faces, making people laugh
Yet they say he was a freak, they say he was genetically deformed
They should have sold his body to science the minute he was born
But he'd just smile and say, "(slurp! slurp!) I think you've all been very kind"
Yes, yes, John Merrick, the elephant man was a friend of mine

'Why doesn't that come as a big fucking surprise'

And we'd all go out on blind dates hessian bags over our heads
We never slept like normal kids, no, we'd sit straight up in bed

He was my friend, a friend
We can all be friends
If we just let this little hurt between us mend

He was a painter, quite artistic he had that suave panache
A tasteful brown shirt, a cute toothbrush moustache
He loved his German Shepherd and walking by the babbling brook
And watching blond haired, blue eyed children setting fire to their books
Yet they say he was a monster, the leader of the Reich
But Adolf Hitler he was my friend Alright? Alright!
And he'd love to go out dancing, really dug the human league
And that song by Alice Cooper "Only Women Bleed"

He was my friend, a friend, we can all be friends
If we just let this little hurt between us mend
Friends, friends, we can all be friends
If we just let the little hurt between us mend

He killed 10 million of the petty bourgeoisie
But Joseph Stalin was a friend to me
Some say he shot the president is that crime
Lee Harvey Oswald was a friend of mine
He was considered the scourge of eastern Europe
But Ghangis Khan was my good rocking buddy
She was cute her closes barely fit her
But Myra Henley was my baby-sitter
Charlie Manson never killed Sharon Tate
He was lucky chucky to his mates
David Karesh never died in that fire
He's our friend our buddy our messiah
Jack the ripper gave his heart to me
Idiah Min and I played quoits
Margaret Thatcher was a pitcher not a catcher
Nori Ager was a friend of mine
Pol Pot was a friend of mine
Pina Shey was a friend of mine
Michael Jackson was a friend of mine

'Whoa, whoa, whoa, time!'
'I just think he's very talented'
'You push you fucking push until you get some sort of reaction from people!'
'good taste bad taste! you push the fucking line every time!'
'I'm sorry about that If people found that line about Michael Jackson offensive there, Um lets just look at it logically for a second there rich, you and Michael Jackson best friends right? The only other friends he's got in the world are a chimpanzee and a gazelle That's you, a chimpanzee and a gaz"¦yeah that sorta makes sense'
'You're just jealous because he's taller that you, and whiter, and nicer'
'Don't point, you do not point, it's fucking rude to point, don't fucking point!'
'No mummy don't put knitting needles in my ears mummy, No mummy don't put knitting needles in my ears mummy, Mummy don't put knitting needles"¦oh, oh'
'Can't we love one another? Even Eidopus had a mother'
Friends friends, we can all be friends"¦"¦
'Everybody clap your hands, clap your hands for all the children in the world, lets share this moment forever, nobody can take it away, no-one will take this moment away, stop clapping'

If we just let the little hurt"¦"¦

'Bloody Richard fucked up the song again'
'Can you leave Richard alone for five seconds'
'FUCK RICHARD!'
'I DO! I just tell him we're moving the furniture around the house'

Between us"¦"¦

'That's funny cause I tell him we're taking his temperature'

Friends friends, friends friends, lets be friends