For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot
On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the 'all
It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe
Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall

So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree
And he's planted it against the garden wall
It shot up like a rocket, 'til it's nearly reached the sky
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world
We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world

When father's had a snoot full at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes'
He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes
No, you'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzan of the apes
Off the biggest aspidistra in the world

We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade
So they put the water rates up half a crown
The roots stuff up the drains, grow along the country lanes
And they came up half a mile outside the town

Once we hired an auditorium for a hot house
But a jealous rival went and burnt it down
The tom cats and their sweethearts love to spend their evenings out
Up the biggest aspidistra in the world
They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout
From the biggest aspidistra in the world

The dogs all come around for miles, a lovely sight to see
They sniff around for hours and hours and wag their tails with glee
So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree
It's the biggest aspidistra in the world