MAUREEN
It's times like these I really appreciate - Mark! Dear, I'm so glad
You're here! Honey, baby! You've lost some weightI mean you've
Always looked great

MARK
I try Maureen

MAUREEN
Back when we used to date

MARK
You lie Maureen

MAREEN
Now let's not get irate

MARK
Why Maureen?

MAUREEN
Joanne ran for the cable but of course she's late

MARK
I don't know why I even try Maureen

MAUREEN
My samples won't delay, but the cable

MARK
There's another way! Say something, anything!

MAUREEN
Test 1-2-1-2-3

MARK
Anything but that Tell me what it's like

MAUREEN
What?

MARK
With a girl - tell me what it's like for a girl and a girl

MAUREEN
No way!

MARK
Tell me - or I walk away

MAUREEN
It's amazing!

MARK
Who's on top? Who wears the pants? Who leads when you dance? Give me
One more chance Maureen! This is just a phase like girls and horses!
And you never even wore flannel shirts! You'll get over it!

MAUREEN
How's it going?

MARK
Not good - I'm depressed

MAUREEN
I meant the sampler

MARK
I'm adapting - repatching!

MAUREEN
Thank God! You're the best!

MARK
Ha!

MAUREEN
Don't be depressed! Tell me how you've been!

MARK
Why?

MAUREEN
Cause I care - tell me how you've been! God time flies!

MARK
Don't patronize!

MAUREEN
Tell me! We used to be friends!

MARK
I'm lonely, bored, and horny!!!

MAUREEN
Is there no one new? You need a mate! It's not too late! Have you even
Had one date?
Boy, you just need some time then you'll be fine Mark! Anyway! I
Treated you like dirt You'll get over it! Just remember what you
Hate about me! Though it may be hard

MARK
How can you be so content without me? How can you disregard all we
Had?

MAUREEN
Dysfunction!

MARK
All we said?

MAUREEN
I'm over men!

MARK
All we did!

MAUREEN
I slept around!

MARK
And you will again! Tell me what you'll do!

MAUREEN
When?

MARK
When you're bored! Tell me what you'll do when you tire of girls!

MAUREEN
I wont!

MARK
I'll tell you - you'll run back to me!

MAUREEN
Your fantasy!

MARK
You always do!

MAUREEN
Don't hold your breath!

MARK
I know your kind! Always change your mind!

MAUREEN
Don't be so blind! Can't you see? All my life I've known who I was
Meant to be!

MARK
But you never even liked KD Lang!

MAUREEN/MARK
You'll get over it!

MARK
This is just a fad that will fade! You'll get over it!

MAUREEN
You just need to get laid! You'll get over it! In time we'll laugh
About this! You'll get over it!

MARK
In time you'll beg for my kiss!

MAUREEN
Don't bet on it!

MARK
Try it now!

MAUREEN
You'll get over it!

("You'll get over it" echoes)

Grrr!

MARK
I call this cause for hope!

MAUREEN
I would call this platonic - don't grope!!!

(JOANNE enters)

Honey! You're back! Uh - we're patched