I'm here on a mission to tell you exactly what can go wrong if you're not careful You see, it's like this: you're running down the staircase at random You take one step, you take two steps, you take seven steps, 10 steps, two steps, 15 steps, 19 stepsyou're lying in a heap at the bottom of the staircase--blood, bones, powder, that sort of thing--and you're wondering, how did I get here? And then you look up and you seeit's a man in a cowl, it's a man in a cowl, he opens his face to you--it's Jimmy Tarbuck* He is saying, "Kiss the ring! Kiss the ring!", and he says, "Yes, there is a Santa Claus, and anybody who blasphemes against Santa or any of his helpers shall die" What do you do? What do YOU do?

You whimper thanks to the heavenly sky
Its grey is getting lighter
No peace of mind or sleep for you
You haven't earned it yet
and you won't by dusk, I bet
Until you learn what futures you've destroyed
we musn't see you sulk or get annoyedno

On the day I lost everything they couldn't help enough
They shot my veins full of gelatine
I said, "Thank you very much, you're too kind!"

While they lived in luxury
I made do with money, sweet money
and now I'm going to measure the rain
and you can sit and watch me--Look! Look!
Don't even think about not answering your phone
It might be me and I know you're always home

On the day I lost everything they couldn't help enough
They stopped my clock and they folded my wings
I said, "Thank you very much for everything!"
It means, "I'm gonna destroy you with my slings and my bullets!"

On the day I lost everything the sky was purest white
and the clocks had stopped so I started to sing
"The Magpie Sleeps Tonight"

On the day I lost everything

* A veteran Liverpool comedian, talk show and game show host, and a golfing enthusiast as well