Davey:
Tommy, nothing personal, but Whitey Duval should've won the Patch
tonight, and you people are crazy for not realizing that

Tommy:
Why would we give Whitey Duval the Patch? So he could use it as a
blanket? *laughter*

Davey:
That's the reaction I thought I'd get

Everyone in this room has been associated with Whitey, either through
basketball, or the mall, or various odd jobs he does around town for
free or at most a dollaaaar

And I'm guessing 99% of you have either laughed in Whitey's face or
ruthlessly made fun of his feet, or voice, or sister, or shortness when
he wasn't looooooking

But the next time you see him he'd still go out of his way to smile and
wave at you and ask you about your mother's operation or something
like that, because he, unlike us, actually cares about someone other
than himseeeellf

The reason I bring this uuuup to you, is because IIIII was the worst
offender of all

My life was simply going no where,
Then a tiny little man rushed to my side,
He should've gotten a big "thankyou",
Instead he got a port-a-potty ride

I was such a shithead,
But he never quit on me,
'Til I told him he was useless,
And his sister was freaky

Some guy:
Once when we were watching Sunday Football,
A fuzzy screen was all that we could see,
Whitey came over with a hanger,
And spent the game on top of a TV

And when the lightning struck him, (Aaiii!)
He let out a wicked-loud yell (Eeeeee)
But we just turned up the volume,
And ignored the burning smell,
We should all rot in hell!

Old Lady:
I went to highschool with Whitey,
As a joke I told him to meet me at the prom,
When he got there I said "I can't believe you thought I was serious,"
So he ran home crying and slow-danced with his mom

Davey:
What a crushing blow to Whitey,
I bet you wish you could take it back,

Chinese guy:
How could all be so mean to Whitey?
Sound to me like you are all on crack!

Jennifer:
Tonight Whitey was counting on this town,
To show him that we care,
But the first time he really needed us,
We weren't there-----
(Benjamin: And on Christmas Eve and the last night of Chanukah)
Davey: It's just not faaair

Police officer:
Bum bitty bitty bitty bum bum,
Bum bitty bitty bitty bum
(x2) (Second time Chinese guy joins in)

Davey: I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong haaand

Tommy: Yes

Everyone:
Bum bitty bitty bitty bum bum,
Bum bitty bitty bitty bum
(repeat to end)