I wish I was a chauffer
California, New Year's Eve
Driving around a pretty lady with a hanky up her sleeve
I would light her tiparillos just as civil as you please

I wish I was a diver on a ship with Jacques Cousteau
I'd get a picture in our rubber suits so that everyone would know
"Hey, you really know Jacques?"
I'd say, "Yeah, just look at this"
I'd show it everywhere I go, Jacques Cousteau, Jacques Cousteau

I wish I was a cartoon
I wish I was Peter Pan
Then I could fly away from sorrow and never have to feel like a man
You ask me why I'm still a child?
Well, it's just because I am

I wish I had a cabin on the top of some big hill
I'd build a fire every evening and listen to thwe whipporwill
Eat my food out of a garden and drink my whiskey from a still
I wish I was a diamond on the back of your skinny little hand
Then I could keep my eye on you
Maybe then I would understand
How you just leave us all weeping just to prove that you still can