There must be 5000 ways to die
And each one ends the same way if you try
Your friends all stand around
While they dump you in the ground
And the people who loved you will ask why oh why oh why oh why

And the bastard you hated the most
Will stand up and give you a toast
He'll say "We were such good friends especially near the end"
Then he'll feel up your girlfriend in front of your ghost

So get in your car and drive real fast
Up in the attic with a shotgun blast
Take a bath with a clock radio
Vodka and valium overdose
Have you ever tried?
There must be 5000 ways to die

And if you're very lucky
You'll get your picture in the paper on page three
25 words will summarize how you spent your whole damn life
One day on that page
Next day into the hamster cage

So get in your car and drive real fast
Up in the attic with a shotgun blast
Take a bath with a clock radio
Vodka and valium overdose
All the glamour can be yours with a loaded 44
Have you ever tried?
There must be 5000 ways to die