Last Will And Temperament
By The Frantics
Available on Frantic Times, CBC Records LM484, 1984
EXECUTOR: As the executor of Mr Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr Muldoon's Last Will And Testament
HEDGE: Well, get on with it, the bars open soon
JENNY: Oh, poor, dear Arthur! Waaaa!
HANK: Oh, there, there, Jenny
RALSTON: God, how predictably boring
MRS MULROY: I never worked for a kinder man
EXECUTOR: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading
RALSTON: I knew it
HEDGE: Heh heh heh heh
EXECUTOR: "I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body"
HEDGE: That's a laugh!
EXECUTOR: " do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows To my overly emotional sister, Jenny"
JENNY: Waaaa!
HANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us
JENNY: Oh
EXECUTOR: " who grubbed with her husband, Hank, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy"
JENNY: What?
EXECUTOR: " To Jenny, I leave a boot to the head"
JENNY: A what?
*BONK! *
JENNY: Ow!
HANK: Jenny, are you okay?
EXECUTOR: " and another boot to her wimpy husband, Hank"
*BONK! *
HANK: Ow!
HEDGE: Hahahahaha
JENNY: This is an outrage!
EXECUTOR: " ah, but still, you are my sister, you have both admired my Rolls Royce, and since I no longer need it"
JENNY: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!
HANK: Yes
EXECUTOR: " I bequeath another boot to the head"
JENNY: What?
*BONK! *
JENNY: Ow!
HEDGE: Hahahaha
EXECUTOR: "And one more for the wimp"
*BONK! *
HANK: Ow!
EXECUTOR: "Next, to my alcoholic brother"
HEDGE: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!
EXECUTOR: " to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life"
HEDGE: I'm coverin' up my head!
EXECUTOR: " I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey"
HEDGE: Really?
EXECUTOR: "And a boot to the head"
*BONK! *
HEDGE: OH!
EXECUTOR: "And another for Jenny and the wimp"
*BONK! *
JENNY: Oh!
*BONK! *
HANK: Ow!
EXECUTOR: "Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston"
RALSTON: This is so predictable
EXECUTOR: " I leave a boot to the head"
*BONK! *
RALSTON: Uh! I knew it
EXECUTOR: "And one for Jenny and the wimp"
*BONK! *
JENNY: Ah!
*BONK! *
HANK: OH!
EXECUTOR: "This takes care of family obligations And now, to Mrs Mulroy"
MRS MULROY: Oh, uh, I don't want nothin'
EXECUTOR: " who took care of me faithfully these many, many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea"
MRS MULROY: Oh, I didn't mind
EXECUTOR: "To Mrs Mulroy, I bequeath a boot to the head"
*BONK! *
MRS MULROY: OH!
EXECUTOR: "And one for Jenny and the wimp"
*BONK! *
JENNY: AH!
*BONK! *
HANK: OH!
EXECUTOR: "And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire vast boot to the head!"
*BONK! *
*MEOW! *
EXECUTOR: "And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head but a rabid Tasmanian devil, to be placed in his trousers!" Ooohhh! Oh, huh huh huh huh, and, and, " and I leave my entire estate of $10 million to the people of Calgary so they can afford to move somewhere decent!" Huh
HANK: Is that it?
RALSTON: That's it?
HEDGE: That's disgraceful
EXECUTOR: There's one last thing for everyone
HEDGE: Cover your heads, everybody!
EXECUTOR: "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream"
HANK: Ice cream?
HEDGE: Ice cream?
RALSTON: Ice cream, that's all?
EXECUTOR: That's all
MRS MULROY: Well, what flavor is it?
EXECUTOR: Boot to the head!
*BONK! * *BONK! * *BONK! * *BONK! *
ALL: OW!