It's three am and it's way before dawn
I'm watchin' reruns of "Love Boat" with the tv on
Gopher's got a girl, Doc's got a chick
and Captain Stuben's getten' lucky in the upper deck

All these Love Boat stories make me wish I had a gal,
I'm half drunk and lonely from an evening at the Caledonia
My solution arrives when a commercial appears
I figure anything will work after thirteen beers

The girl on the screen has love and I know I can win it
she's waiting to be mine for the bargain price
of just two bucks a minute
1-976-Buy my love, my name is lonely Lisa
and I'm thinking of you now
1-976-Buy my love

So I took a chance, and I called up lonely Lisa
hoping it'd be worth it, cause I'm over on my Visa
When she came on the line I was still a nervous wreck
but if they wouldn't take the Visa I was ready with a check

1-976-Buy my love, my name is lonely Lisa
and I'm thinking of you now
1-976-Buy my love

And then her voice spoke softly, with seductive undertones
and hints of passionate romance when she said:

"$15 charge on all returned checks, restrictions may apply, no
refunds, not responsible for lost or stolen hearts or souls,
calls prohibited in California, Alaska, and parts of New Jersey,
breasts on the tv screen are not to scale, assembly is required,
batteries not included, some settling may occur during shipping,
check with your Better Business Bureau for liabilities, and
1-976 Buy My Love is not a purveyor of phone sex or a venue for
prostitution, substantial penalty for early withdrawal"
I was dumfounded

Cause my Lisa wouldn't say that, so I knew it was a trick
I demand an explanation "Who the hell are you chick?"
She said "My name is Hefty Marge, and I'm as big as a barge
see ya' later sucker, that's a fifty dollar charge"

A click and dial tone was all I heard, followed by a message
saying "You're a worthless nerd"
1-976 Get a life, your case is truly hopeless
and you'll never have a wife
1-976 Get a life

Well, I'm a losin' lover's martyr, it's the niche in life I fill
I've lived the sad experience I hope you never will
So when Lisa bats her eyes or blinks at you a lash
remember Marge is on the line waitin' for your cash

1-976 Get a clue, I know you think they want you
but it's your wallet that they screw
1-976 Get a clue
Get a life
Shut it off, turn the channel
or go out and rent a VCR