The doorbell was ringing, I couldn't ignore it no more
Who can it be now knockin' at my screen door
One hand held my beer and the other my remote
Didn't take too kindly to missin' "Murder She Wrote"
Creepin' over to the window, I snuck a quick look
A woman outside with carpet bag and sales book
She was here again, I warned her never to come back
Didn't like her drivin' here in that purple Cadillac

So many things grow in my secret garden
Nobody knows why
So many things grow in my secret garden

Special things I planted in my secret garden
Nobody knows the
Special things I planted in my secret garden

I invited her in, said, ma'am, we can sit down in the kitchen
She didn't know what hit her she sure did stop her bitchin'
Carried her downstairs and took a good look around
I had work to do and tried to not make a sound
No, I won't get caught because, Buddy, I ain't no fool
I got plenty of time and all my power tools
Now, sir, some may say that what I done was a crime
But they never had to smell her love potion number nine

(Chorus)

Out back by the turnips I'm gonna bury my problems forever
When someone else comes askin' I'll say, "Oh, no, never"
"I never ever seen that person round here before"
Gonna plant me some tomatoes and maybe some yellow corn
A special fertilizer will make everything grow alright
Started plantin' my crops just a little after midnight
Now, sir, some may say that what I did was appallin'
But I'll never again have hear the words, "Avon callin'"