FOUR MEN--MARVIN, MENDEL, JASON, and WHIZZER--enter in darkness Each
carries a flashlight and wears sunglasses WHIZZER carries a toy bed)
FOUR MEN:
Four Jews in a room bitching
Four Jews in a room plot a crime
I'm bitching He's bitching
They're bitching We're bitching
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Funny funny funny funny
(They point their flashlights at the bed and slowly kneel)
Bitch--bitch--
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
All--the--
Time
(TRINA enters)
MENDEL:
Whadda they do for love?
OTHER MEN:
Ooooh
(MENDEL shines his flashlight at TRINA's chest)
MENDEL:
Whadda they do for love?
OTHER MEN:
Ooooh
ALL:
Four jews in a room
MENDEL:
Bitching
JASON:
Bitching
MARVIN:
Bitching
WHIZZER:
Bitching
FOUR MEN:
Four Jews in a room stoop--
MENDEL:
They stoop--
FOUR MEN:
--to pray
JASON (through door):
I'm Jewish
MARVIN (through door):
I'm Jewish
MENDEL:
I'm Jewish
WHIZZER (through door):
Half Jewish
FOUR MEN:
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Funny funny funny funny
Bitch--bitch
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Night and day
(The MEN run offstage TRINA drags in a huge wooden representation of the Red Sea)
TRINA:
Slavery Slavery
FOUR MEN (returning in biblical robes):
We crossed the desert
Running for our lives
Fleeing from the Pharoah
Who was up to no good
Now we're at the Red Sea
Pharoah is behind us
Wanting us extincted
JASON:
What we need's a miracle!
ALL:
And then the Red Sea
Split before us--
(The Red Sea splits and flies offstage)
No more tsouris
MENDEL:
We got our miracle!
JASON (echoing):
We got our miracle!
MARVIN (another echo):
We got our miracle!
ALL:
Four Jews itching for answers
Four Jews bitching their whole life long
WHIZZER:
I'm Whizzer
JASON:
I'm Jason
MENDEL:
I'm Mendel
MARVIN:
I'm Marvin
FOUR MEN:
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Funny funny funny funny
Bitch--bitch--
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Right or wrong
JASON:
In case of smoke please call our mothers on the phone
And say their sons are all on fire
MARVIN AND WHIZZER:
We are manipulating people and we need to know
Our worst sides aren't ignored
MENDEL (opens door and enters, arm gallantly in air):
The guilt invested will, in time, pay wisely
WHIZZER AND JASON:
We do not tippy-toe
WHIZZER:
We charge ahead to show--
MENDEL:
We're good in bed
(WHIZZER puts his hand on MENDEL's shoulder)
WHIZZER:
Excel in bed
(MARVIN puts his hand on WHIZZER's shoulder)
MARVIN:
We smell in bed
(WHIZZER puts his hand on MARVIN's JASON picks up the bed and hides it behind his back)
JASON:
Where is the bed?
MENDEL:
I love the bed
JASON:
Who has the bed?
WHIZZER:
I want the bed
(MENDEL takes the bed from JASON)
JASON:
Who stole the bed?
MARVIN:
Who stole the bed?
WHIZZER:
I lost it twice
(MENDEL puts the bed on the floor ALL go to floor, toward bed)
MENDEL:
The bed is mine
WHIZZER:
The bed is nice
FOUR MEN:
The bed is--
Four Jews in a room bitching (wheee!)
Four Jews talking like Jew-ish men
I'm neurotic, he's neurotic,
They're neurotic, we're neurotic
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Funny funny funny funny
MARVIN:
I'm nauseous
WHIZZER:
I'm nauseous
JASON:
I'm simple
MENDEL:
I'm Jewish
TRINA (vacuuming):
Slavery Slavery
FOUR MEN (at TRINA):
Bitch bitch bitch bitch
Funny funny funny funny
(All at once:)