If I have a date and I think I'm gonna mount her,
I go to the drugstore and head to the counter
I get what I need and I put it in my wallet
It's the same old thing no matter what you call it

A condom,
A scrote coat,
A manhole cover,
A pork cork,
A clam dam,
A plain ol' rubber,
A head shed,
A knob swab,
A third leg stocking

It's all the same when your bed starts rockin' Oh my

If you wanna meet me for a little tryst,
Put a Coney Island white fish on your shoppin' list
Slip it on when you're getting hot
Then no one has to sleep on the gooey spot

Get a gent tent,
A carp tarp,
A halt leg trouser,
A wood hood,
A clap cap,
A doogie houser,
A wank tank,
A root boot,
A prophylactic

It'll look real slick in a johnson jacket
Wrap that rascal up in a salami sling

When you hit the sack,
You're ready, Jack,
To do the nasty thing

Put on a jock sock,
A beav sleeve,
A canyon coaster,
A ball shawl,
A spunk trunk,
A love gun holster,
A meat sheet,
A goose noose,
A rod partition

Do the math There's no new addition

I met a young lady in a single's bar
Pretty soon we're getting naked in my car
Now she tells me I'm gonna be a dad
I could kick myself 'cause I wish I had on

A muff moat,
A stilt kilt,
A large load stopper,
A boom balloon,
Or a totem pole topper,
A wad pod,
A wet suit,
A gonad girdle

Cause you never know when she might be fertile
Neutralize your schlong with a dong sarong
When you're in bed, use a tickler head
And she'll think you're King Kong

Wear a love glove,
A squirt shirt,
A gland end gorda,
A bone beret,
A flesh fedora

Put one on every time you make it
And hope to God that you don't break it!