One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little, I've always wanted to be abducted by a UFO Yeah sometimes, I just go hang out in the woods I'm ...

Had to use a public restroom today ugh Isn't that the worst when you have to? Godamnit you j walk in, right Here's the first thing, I don't care Anywhere in the...

We love car accidents in this country We're obsessed with car accidents! I know your like me, it's like 2 in the morning, it's dead quiet Your in you're house w...

You know what I hate, the one thing I hated growing up I hated being tickled Tickling's the worst Cuz it started out fun Right? "Tickling, lets tickle! ' starte...

When I was a little kid I thought I wanted to be a fireman I think a lot of guys- Did you wanna be a fireman when You were a little kid? People ask you What do ...

When I was a little kid, I had- I shared everything I had I had one brother alright one brother, five sisters Dude, I had to wear a tampon just to fit in I swea...

I've been swearing a lot lately Ever go through those modes where you just can't help but swear All the time? Fuck is like the best word ever It really is It's ...

You always want head We love it We always have to watch, right Right And if you've got a lot of hair we fucking turn into Vidal Sasoon All of a sudden We got li...

You are the one everyone wants to be I am the one they say, "I'm glad that's not me" When I go to sleep, I dream about you When you go to sleep, I bet you dream...

The other day, I don't know if you've ever gotten this, it was about 2:30 In the afternoon I got the itchy-est asshole I've ever gotten on record And I keep a r...

My friends took me out the other night They were like "Dude we gotta go out man Let's go" I was like, "I don't wanna go out" "Come on dude Let's go get some chi...

There are some things I have learned in my recent past That I'm excited to share with you tonight, And one thing I've realized is that we all want to leave Beh...

I'll tell you what dream used to scare me when I was a little kid Used to actually totally give me nightmares: Remember those kool-aid commercials? Where that, ...

Uh... OOh. You're gonna have a little baby? Oh you're pretty far a long there. What ah how long? You wanna have him right now? Can we force it or Something? You...

If you shaved your beard, and put on a dress, you'd be a great female impersonator And if you win this contest, we will have failed Don't mean to be rude, but y...

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause We didn't have the pool. So one summer he bough...

Am I the only person here who loves to watch a couple Together that hates each others guts? That has to be the most entertaining thing when you see Two people t...