The Count has an eye on his ankle,
And lives in a horrible place
He wants all your money, he's never at all funny
He wants to remove your face
And you might be thinking what a rump this is,
But wait till you meet his accomplices

When you see Count Olaf, you're suddenly full of
Disgust and dispair and dismay
In the halls of the soul of Count Olaf
Has no love, when you see Count Olaf, count to zero
Then scream and run away

Scream, scream, scream, then run away
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run,
Or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run,
Or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die

Two women with powdered-white faces
And one long nosed bald man with warts
Things worsen and worsen, there's a hook-handed person
And others with nastier parts
There's evil and unpleasent truth:
At least Count Olaf's acting true

The goal of Count Olaf is getting control of
The fortunes of urchins and orphans who cry
And these horrors by Count Olaf are no laughing matter
When you see Count Olaf, count to zero
Then scream, and run away

Scream, scream, scream, then run away
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run,
Or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run,
Or die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die