Youre An Old Smoothie

I have a sad story to tell you
It may hurt your feelings a bit
Last night when I walked into my bathroom,
I stepped in a big pile of
Shaving cream, be nice and clean
Shave everyday and you'll always look keen
[This chorus is repeated after every verse]
I think I'll break off with my girlfriend
Her antics are queer I'll admit
Each time I say, "Darling, I love you,"
She tells me that I'm full of
Our baby fell out of the window
You'd think that her head would be split
But good luck was with her that morning;
She fell in a barrel of
An old lady died in a bathtub;
She died from a terrible fit
In order to fulfill her wishes,
She was buried in six feet of
When I was in France with the army,
One day I looked into my kit
I thought I would find me a sandwich,
But the darn thing was loaded with
And now, folks, my story is ended
I think it is time I should quit
If any of you feel offended,
Stick your head in a barrel of

Version 2 (Use same chorus):
A demented song I will sing you,
A classic of poetry and wit
Last night while I was in my bathroom,
I stepped in a pile of
I asked to come out and play baseball
I'd just bought a new catchers' mitt;
I asked you to throw me a fastball
but you threw me a big lump of
Here we are in this fine health food restaurant
I hate to be picking a nit
But waiter, I ordered your yogurt surprise,
And you brought me a plate full of
Last night we all had a big snowstorm,
And it's time to shovel, isn't it?
Now the only good thing I can say about shoveling snow,
Is, it's better than shoveling
They built a big wall in East Berlin
The biggest one that would fit
But I found out what that Berlin wall was made of
Well the whole thing was nothing but
I put all my money in savings,
So I'd never have to worry, not a bit
But you see, it was Lincoln Savings,
Now my money is all shot to
I once went out to the ballpark
To try out my new catchers mit,
I asked them to throw me a fast ball,
But instead they threw me some
Once while I was at the ball game,
The batter smashed out a hit
But while he was running for second,
He slipped in a big pile of
Here we are in this fancy French restruant,
And I hate to be picking a bit,
But I ordered creamed fishie-soi
And the waiter brought me a bowl of
Our producer looks good in the morning,
I'll tell you what makes him so fit,
Instead of using cold cream,
He rubs in a big handful of
Last Saturday I went out jogging,
I like to keep physically fit,
But when I looked down at my Reeboks,
Well, the soles were all covered with {Dr D:Where Rover goes, nothing
Let's have a cheer for our Raiders!
They're truly a team with true grit,
But when they fumbled that kickoff in the second half this afternoon,
Ten million fans, in unison, said, "Oh, {Dr D: "And one for the
Now the Rams, they are going to Chicago,
But the Bears are the oddsmakers' favorite,
Now, Chicago is beautiful in October,
But in January it's colder than
Here we are in this Mexican restaurant,
I hate to be picking a nit,
But waiter, I ordered "El Burrito Supremo,"
And you brought me a plate full of
I am fed up with all politicians!
On Republicans and Democrats I spit!
They promise you peace and prosperity and a good job,
And what do they give you?
Our Christmas tree, it was so gorgeous,
So brightly and brilliantly lit,
And underneath were all of my presents!
Yeah, boxes and boxes of {Dr D: "Just kidding, folks!"
I was laughing so hard at this music,
I thought that my sides they would split,
I stopped laughing just now, however
'Cause my pants just filled up with
My program was nearly completed,
In 640K it did fit,
But then I wrote "just one more feature,"
And my program was blown all to
I went swimming in beautiful Lake Ontario
I thought I would cool off a bit
But when I stepped out of the water
Yech - my body was covered in
I bought a computer by mail
It arrived at my door in a kit
But although I followed instructions,
I ended up with a box full of
I was reading the BITNET one day
Full of rumors, flames and quips
Instead of being educated
All I got was a queue full of
I went out last night to the opera,
I thought I'd relax for a bit
But when I sat down in my box seat
I found it was covered with
I thought I would make me some tie-dyes
And bought many boxes of Rit
But after I dyed all my T-shirts
They all were the color of
My in-laws came over to visit,
But left in a terrible snit
Because I suggested for dinner
That they should have plates full of
And now, folkes, my song, it is ended,
I do hope that you will admit,
That if any of you feel offended
You can stick your head in a bucket of

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