I stole a quarter when I was a kid
And momma said I'd be sorry for the sin that I did
And daddy whopped me
And the preacher said shame
But I guess the Bible lessons didn't take

'Cause I cuss and I smoke
I laugh at dirty jokes
The minor vices, man I know 'em well
I've closed down bars
I've lusted in my heart
My ex-wives think I ought to burn in Hell
But the devil won't even notice when I die
Don't ya figure, he's got bigger fish to fry

Boss Hogg, politicians taken' pork-barrel bribes
Crooked corporation honchos get off with no time
Christmas Eve burglars stealing good children's toys
Pop stars hanging out with little boys

Yeah, I cuss and I smoke
I laugh at dirty jokes
The minor vices, man I know 'em well
I've closed down bars
I've lusted in my heart
My ex-wives think I ought to burn in Hell
But the devil won't even notice when I die
'Cause I figure, he's got bigger fish to fry

There's gonna be a bonfire burning
An everlasting barbeque
But with all the bad stuff going on
There ain't gonna be room for me and you

Yeah, cause I cuss and I smoke
I laugh at dirty jokes
The minor vices, man I know 'em well
I've closed down bars
I've lusted in my heart
My ex-wives think I ought to burn in Hell
But the devil he won't notice when I die
Don't you figure, he's got bigger fish to fry