I, I can't get a tan
I'm not a man
Even though I drive a van
Still can't get a tan

I've used cocoa butter, tanning oil, even ultra-ban
Sunlamps, microwave, General Electric's greatest fan

Can't get a tan, etc

Girls like guys with dark Hawaiian skin
Hey pass the Crisco I'll do anything to win
Oh what a drag I look like a fag
I can't get any girls even though I have hot curls

I just can't get a tan, etc

Mommy was a stripper
Daddy was a jerk
Do you know what time it is?
Oh I'm late for work

Oh I just gotta get that tan

I'm just here for the chicks
That's why I want that tan
I'm running out of licks
Frying in this pan - sssss

Don't tell me that I'm white
I know you're tan as toast
Let's turn off the lights
Now do I still look like a ghost?

I just can't get a tan, etc

He's so stupid, why doesn't he stop to think
He might as well forget it, he's just turning pink
Haven't we met before
Oh god what a line
Just forget about that tan
Gotta get back to the mine

La la