Well I was chasing down flies and shooting up women
Trying to get the whole thing straight in my head
Lookin for a girl who'd come with me swimming
And come and play tunes at the end of my bed

And all the hardmen were drinkin down petrol
Bamming up the girls when in came the law
Heading for the door and getting tongue tied
When they asked me what exactly I saw

[Chorus:]
So I'll get some Monte Christo's
And we can all go see the band
Well I may not be a looker yeah
But I'll help you any way I can

Back at my room I was making me nervous
Watching TV and picking my feet
Wishing I was pretty and burning my shoes
And wishing for once I'd kept the receipt

I called myself and wondered out loud
Tried to get the whole thing straight in my head
I left the tape running and played it back
Twice but I couldn't make sense of what I had said

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
Well it may not make you handsome
And it may not even make you feel aliiiiiiive
You may not have the ransom
But you can always count on this
It's him and them and she and me
And sick and muddy, everybody

[Alt Chorus:]
So you can bring your wasters banjo
Bring yer sister and her friend Diane
Well I may not have a big boys pistol
But I'll help them any way I can

[Alt Chorus 2:]
And you can call me Cinderella!
You can make me your best man
Well you may be a right old queen
But I'll help you any way I can