To my dearest little sister, Sally Brown, it's Charlie here
A lot of things have happened since you skipped town
For one, I'm queer, for about a year
I know, of course, you might be less than psyched
About the path I took
But I had to face the fact that I kind of liked
How Linus looked, before he booked
‘'cause Patty came out and left me shocked and confused
She shacked up with Marcy, who was clearly abused
And I picked up a needle that had just been used before

Now Lucy's playing hockey, her team just won the Stanley Cup
Schroeder dresses just like Beethoven did and ties her up
And she barks like a pup
And the hunt is on for Linus,
But as you know, he's hard to catch
You see, he found that lots of interesting things could grow in the Pumpkin Patch
But the feds are no match
‘'cause he and the red-haired girl split the scene
The psilocybin sultan and the cannabis queen
And Franklin shot Tupac and now he ain't nowhere to be seen

Break it down!
Woodstock got eaten by the cat who lives next door
Snoopy got neutered and now he ain't Joe Cool no more
And he's still kind of sore
And Pig Pen od'd, was just a matter of time
He couldn't keep a job on account of the grime
And he couldn't face a future of small-town crime no more
So write us all a letter and tell us how the city is
Freda said she saw you, so tell me how's the porno biz,
My little sis, the porno biz, my little sis