(Sometimes getting the house ready for Mom & Dad's visit requires
more than a dust rag and some Pledge)
Today I took the nudes down off the wall
Ten minutes after I received her telephone call
She'll be here Friday morning so there's not much time to clean
Better hide the Advocate and Mandate magazine
We'll redecorate the guest room so it looks like it's been used
Separate our wardrobes or she'll really be confused
Then get ready for a lonely week of sleeping on the couch
We're straightening up the house
Tomorrow I will put away your gay pride shirts
And our Halloween assortment of jewelry, pumps and skirts
Then pack up all the books by Quentin Crisp and Rita Mae
And the "His & His" towels that you bought me yesterday
And you'd better hide the albums by that lesbian group
She has no ear for music, but she has been known to snoop
And remember not to kiss me, just forget that you're my spouse
Straightening up the house
The snapshots of the two of us in Spain will have to go
Don't tell me this is totally insane, because I know
And I cannot wear the wristwatch with our names engraved in gold
The one that says "I love you, John, with all my heart and soul"
This is our first Christmas here in our new home
In a hostile world, it's our only safety zone
I never should have promised I'd continue with this lie
But Dad was so certain if she found out she would die
But if it's killing anyone I think it's killing me
'Cause it tears me up inside to hide my true identity
And asking you to help me makes me feel like such a louse
I'm thirty-two years old, why am I acting like a mouse?
I'm a man and he's my lover
If she freaks out she'll recover
C'mon and help me to just CLEAN the house!