Where, oh where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over and I thought I'd found true love
But you met another and PTHHP! you was gone

You took out your false teeth, your wig and your glasses
You were just scattered all over the place
I wanted to kiss you and hug you so tightly
I guess that I would have if I'd found your face

I went to your house at three in the morning
You had all them curlers and junk in your hair
You would not have scared me and I'd not have run so,
If you had not looked like you'd wrestled a bear

I told you, my darlin', you looked like a gopher
Made you so mad, you haven't spoke since
But tell me my darling if you ain't got buck teeth
How do you eat apples through a picket fence?

When I picked you up for our date last weekend
You looked so pretty in your satin and lace
But when I bent over and started to kiss you,
You popped a pimple all over my face!