I drove my Sarsen through your garden last night
I kicked your front door down around at midnight
Something's telling me, boy, that your avoiding me
And when I find you, you will run for your tea

Chorus:
I've got a brand new shiny helmet, and a pair of kinky boots
I've got a lovely new flak jacket, a lovely khaki suit
When we go on night patrol, we hold each other's hand,
For we are the British Army, and we're here to take your land

My good friend Bertie, he's in the UDR
To search for weapons he will go near and far
Up around by Kappa, you'd never find him there
The only gun he'll get there is an Armalite in his ear!

Chorus

My good friend Trevor, he's in the RUC
But now they've handed him his redundancy
Folks along the border won't be seeing him any more,
That provo sniper will be missing him for sure!

Chorus

My good friend Nigel, he's in the SAS
He says a child is just as good as the rest
Now they've gone and posted him way down to Crossmaglen,
He wished to blazes, he was back in jail again!

Chorus

My good friend Sammy, he's in the DUP
An upstanding member, as all the world can see
I said, "Go up to Donegal, if you want to have some fun"
He said, "I'll take a run there, if I have nothing on"

Chorus