Well, I arrived on time
My corduroy suit and me bottle of wine
There were women wall to wall
It's Saturday night and I wanted 'em all, everyone

Sidled up for a dance
I tried a new step and I fell in the plants
I told a joke about the Pope
It wasn't as funny as I would've hoped, don't listen

Nobody told me she was the daughter
Of the mayor, I was so embarrassed
I just wished the ground would swallow me up

And accidentally my elbow hit
The record player, the rock 'n roll
Stopped and everybody just stared, oh no

Who's gonna take me home?
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed
Who's gonna take me home?
This party's gone right to my head, listen boy

I didn't worry, not me
Panic ain't in my vocabulary
Smashed beyond reproach
Suddenly I wanted to take off my clothes

All hell broke loose
I started to take off my trousers and shoes
And so, I tried to look cool
I stepped back and fell in the pool

The hostess helped me out and asked
For my dismissal, I said I was sorry
But I've been under so much pressure just lately, baby

I felt as popular as a Russian guided missile
The last thing I remember, I left with a girl on a motor bike
That weighed three hundred pounds, what's wrong with that?

Who's gonna take me home?
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed
Who's gonna take me home?
This party's gone right to my head, to my head

I woke up on the floor
Still in my suit and she told me, I snored
I never felt so cheap
I had a good laugh at the size of her feet

Holy Moses, I don't like this single living, I think
I'll find me a nice local girl and settle on down, now
With a home and a garden and a nature quite forgiving
Then again maybe I'll just hang around

Who's gonna take me home?
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed, right now
Who's gonna take me home?
This party's gone right to my head, to my head

Now, who's gonna take me home?

Hey Brian, could you give me a lift
'Cos I don't live too far from you, boy?
Mary, c'mon I've known you so long
Please give me a lift home, oh c'mon, Jim