Stockings are hung on the chimney,
And the presents are under the tree,
And mama's in the kitchen
Making some herbal tea

Windows are covered with frost
And the candles are all alight,
But as I wander through this quiet house,
Something just doesn't seem right

You see, every year, the neighbors bring us
A Swiss Colony Beef Log
But the neighbors aren't around (around, around)
There's no Beef Log to be found this year

(No Beef Log)

Christmas isn't Christmas
Without a Swiss Colony Beef Log
Without those cheeses and meats
I don't think I can get along

Mother tries to comfort me;
She says "Here, Son, have some eggnog"
I fucking hate eggnog, seriously

But what do I see
Underneath the tree?
Grandma got a Swiss Colony Beef Log just for me!
Ah, ah, ah, Grandma!!

Swiss Colony Beef Log, baby!
That's what Christmas is all about!
A rolly poly Colony Beef Log Baby,
Makes a little boy scream and shout!

Deck the halls with boughs of Swiss Colony!
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!

Sweet!