It's Saturday night and I'm alone, I've made no future plans,
So I sit me down and I pull out the little old Man,
I ain't got a girlfriend and I don't have a date,
But that's alright with me coz I love to masturbate

Back in the old days I'd buy some magazines, a six pack of beer and a tub of Vaseline,
Penthouse and Hustler were as good as it could get,
But I hit the jackpot when I found the Internet

I'm beating my meat, pounding the pud, yeah I'm jacking off!
I got a good grip on my joystick, and it ain't Microsoft,
I'm flogging my dog, spanking the monkey, ain't computers great!
Yeah I'll never leave home coz I love to masturbate!

They got naked men and women, and all kinds of sex galore,
Blondes, brunettes and redheads and Philippine whores,
No matter what you're into, you'll find your own dot COM,
There's even one for old chicks where I think I saw my mum!

Yeah choke the chicken, rub the duck, yeah I'm talking low,
I got a good grip on my joystick and I can't let it go,
Row that skin boat, stroke the log, ain't computers great!
Yeah I'll never leave home coz I love to masturbate!

They say things like E commerce, with three “WWW”s and a dot,
They say It's for information, but I'm here to say it's not,
Now they're trading it on Wall Street, but they ain't fooling me,
It's al just a cover for the porn industry!

And I'm shagging my shaft, cleaning my gun, hammering the nail,
I'm a cybersex site surfer, with my own email,
I'm petting my snake, jacking off, thank you old Bill Gates,
I'll never leave home coz I love to masturbate!
Yeah I'll never leave home coz I love to masturbate!