SCOD
Everyone's a tosser
Everyone's a fool
Don't ever feel like you don't fit
'Cause Gatesy, everyone's a tool

YON
The louder that you say you're not
The more that it's the case

SCOD AND YON
Just like everybody else

SCOD
you're a real knob-face

GATESY
(Spoken) I'm a knob-face!

SCOD
Take our little Yonny
He's a total mong

YON
If you think that I look interesting
I'm sorry, you'd be wrong

GATESY
What about old Scoddy?

YON
You could write a book on him!

SCOD
You could call it "Knobby the Knobstickle"

GATESY
"And His Knobtastic Voyage"!
Everybody's a tosser
Everyone's a schmo
From Robert Louis Stevenson

ALL
To Edgar Allen Poe
We're all bloody cockpanks!
The experts all agree

SCOD
The experts, they're all tossers too

GATESY
Just like you and me

ALL
(To audience member) Madam, you're a knob-end
It's there for all to see

YON
Don't try to deny it
Do you think you're better than me?

ALL
The louder that you say you're not
The louder that you are

GATESY
You're a bonehead!

YON
You're a franger!

SCOD
You're a spazmo!

GATESY
You're a shwanger!

ALL
You're a tosser! It's a fact you can't ignore

GATESY
'Cause everyone's a tosser!

YON AND SCOD
(To Gatesy) But you, slightly more