Once upon a time - I think it was last Thursday,
a boy named Peter opened the gate and went out into the big green
meadow
On the branch of a big tree sat a little bird
"All is quiet", said the bird
"HOLY COW, a talking BIRD!", thought Peter
Just then, Bruce the Duck came waddling by
Bruce was very happy that Peter hadn't closed gate
and he decided to check out the deep pond in the meadow
Billy the Bird saw the Duck, so he
decided to fly down and pick an argument with him
"What kind of bird are you if you can't fly?", he said;
to which the Duck cleverly replied, "I'm a DUCK, sth-stupid!"
They argued and argued The Duck swimming in the pond
The little bird skipping aling the shore
Sorry
Suddenly, something caught Peter's eye - and you know how painful that
can be
It was Louie the Cat crawling through the grass
Louie the Cat thought, "If the Bird is busy arguing, I-I'll just gra
him"
So quietly, Louie crept towards him on his velvet paws
Well, his paws weren't really velvet they were, you know,
kind of like velvet It's a, what d'ya call it?
Uh, a "metaphor" It's a metaphor, get it?
"LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT!
LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT!" advised Peter
The bird immediately flew up into the tree
while Bruce the Duck quacked at Louie the Cat
from the middle of the pond Louie the Cat walked around the tree and
thought,
"I-Is it worth climbing up so high, or should I just send out for
pizza?"
Grandfather came out He was all bent out of shape
because Peter had gone into the meadow
"It's a dangerous place If a Wolf should come out of the forest,
then what would you do, huh?"
Peter did not answer, because after all, it was a rhetorical question
Boys like Peter are afraid of a lot of things,
like nuclear annihilation and flunking algebra,
but they're not afraid of wolves
But Grandfather got Peter in a headlock and dragged him home,
telling him that he was grounded and that
he couldn't watch any cartoons for three weeks
Just then, as luck would have it,
a big, mean, hairy, ferocious, snarling, carnivorous Wolf DID
come out of the forest! But I guess we all knew that was coming
I mean, the story is called, "Peter and the Wolf"
We couldn't very well call it, "Peter and the Wolf" if there wasn't any
Wolf,
could we? Huh, that would be really stupid
The Cat was up the tree in a twinkling - which is about oh 23
seconds
Bruce the Duck quacked SO hard that
he propelled himself backwards and up onto dry land
For those of you taking notes,
this is a fine practical example of Newton's First Law of Motion
which clearly states that for every action there is an equal and
opposite reaction
But no matter how quickly Bruce tried to waddle away,
he couldn't escape Seymour the Wolf whowas wearing his best pair of
tennis shoes
The Wolf was closing in on the Duck
It was getting closer and closer and closer and then and then

HE GOT 'EM! He got 'em! Oh no-! Oh, it was terrible!
Oh, oh I can't believe it! Oh! The humanity!
The humanity! Oh my God! Ahh-hoh, oh-
And then with one big gulp, Seymour "wolfed" him down
Um, let me recap the story briefly in case you just walked into the
room:
Louie the Cat was sitting on one branch
Billy the Bird was on another branch
not TOO close to Louie, and Bob the Janitor
was at home defrosting his refrigerator
The Wolf walked around the tree SO many times that he made a small
trench
Meanwhile, Peter was standing behind the closed gate,
videotaping everything that was going on
Suddenly Peter got an idea
He ran home and got a big spool of his Grandfather's unwaxed dental
floss
One of the branches of the tree that
the Wolf was circling was conveniently stretched out over a high stone
wall
Peter scaled the wall, lickity-split! - which is even faster than a
twinkling
Then he grabbed the branch and climbed onto the tree
Peter said to Billy the Bird,
"I want you to fly down and circle around the Wolf's head to distract
him,
but be very careful he doesn't catch you and
bash your skull in and tear out your lungs and
chew you up into itsy-bitsy teeny-tiny little pieces!"
"Okay", said the bird
Billy the Bird almost touched the Wolf's head with his wings
while the Wolf snapped angrily at him
"Go ahead", said the Wolf, "make my day"
"Come on, cut it out", snarled the Wolf, "you're askin' for trouble,
punk"
But Billy the Bird just kept on harassing him
Meanwhile, Peter made a lasso out of the dental floss and,
carefully letting it down caught the Wolf by the tail and
pulled with all his might Feeling himself caught,
the Wolf got really ticked off and started jerking back and forth
Peter tied the other end of the dental floss to the tree and
left the Wolf dangling in mid-air
"Hey, Big Bad Wolf", said Peter, "why don't you come up here and get us
now?"
"I would", said the Wolf, "but, well, I'm kinda tied up right now"
Just then, some members of the National Rifle Association came out of
the woods, firing their magnums, uzies and bazookas
But Peter yelled, "Don't shoot Billy the Bird and I have caught the
Wolf
Now, let's take him to the Zoo"
"Great idea!", said the hunters, "and if he likes that,
next week we'll take him to Disneyland!"
Just imagine the victory parade Peter was at the head
But after a few minutes he was through and
then the parade began with Peter at the very front
After him, the hunters leading Seymour the Wolf
Then Grandfather, and Louie the Cat, and finally,
Bob the janitor who had to sweep up the whole mess
Grandfather shook his head discontentedly,
"Well, Peter, what if you hadn't caught the Wolf? What then?"
"Well", said Peter, "he probably would have ripped out my intestines
with his teeth"
"", said Grandfather,
"I know that, you idiot It was a rhetorical question"
Above them, Billy the Bird chirped proudly "Yeah, that's right We bad
We bad"
Granfather decided that he'd had enough of the pond and
the meadow and the whole stinking scene,
so he ran off to Los Angeles and joined a Heavy Metal band
And what about Bruce the Duck? Well,
the Wolf had been in such a hurry that he swallowed him
alive! Which means the gastric juices slowly disolved his body and
he died a long, painful death
However, you'll be happy to hear that just a few years later
he was reincarnated as Shirley MacLaine
And the moral of the story is
Oral hygiene is very important Make sure you see your dentist at least
twice a year