Well, I was feelin' sad and feelin' blue,
I didn't know what in the world I was gonna do,
Them Communists they wus comin' around,
They wus in the air,
They wus on the ground
They wouldn't gimme no peace

So I run down most hurriedly
And joined up with the John Birch Society,
I got me a secret membership card
And started off a-walkin' down the road
Yee-hoo, I'm a real John Bircher now!
Look out you Commies!

Now we all agree with Hitlers' views,
Although he killed six million Jews
It don't matter too much that he was a Fascist,
At least you can't say he was a Communist!
That's to say like if you got a cold you take a shot of malaria

Well, I wus lookin' everywhere for them gol-darned Reds
I got up in the mornin' 'n' looked under my bed,
Looked in the sink, behind the door,
Looked in the glove compartment of my car
Couldn't find 'em

I wus lookin' high an' low for them Reds everywhere,
I wus lookin' in the sink an' underneath the chair
I looked way up my chimney hole,
I even looked deep inside my toilet bowl
They got away

Well, I wus sittin' home alone an' started to sweat,
Figured they wus in my TV set
Peeked behind the picture frame,
Got a shock from my feet, hittin' right up in the brain
Them Reds caused it!
I know they did them hard-core ones

Well, I quit my job so I could work alone,
Then I changed my name to Sherlock Holmes
Followed some clues from my detective bag
And discovered they wus red stripes on the American flag!
That ol' Betty Ross

Well, I investigated all the books in the library,