I read the news today, oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh

I saw the photograph
He blew his mind out in a car
He didn't notice
That the lights had changed

A crowd of people stood and stared
They'd seen his face before
Nobody was really sure
If he was from the House of Lords

I saw a film today, oh boy
The English Army had just won the war
A crowd of people turned away but I just had to look
Having read the book, I'd love to turn you on

Woke up, got out of bed
Dragged a comb across my head
Dragged my way downstairs and drank a cup
And looking up I noticed I was late

Found my coat and grabbed my hat
Made the bus in seconds flat
Got my way upstairs and had a smoke
Then somebody spoke and I went into a dream

I read the news today, oh boy
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire
And though the holes were rather small
They had to count them all

Now they know how many holes
It takes to fill the Albert Hall
I'd love to turn you on