Dear Penthouse: I'm a freshman at a small Midwestern university
And I never thought something like this could happen to me
When my teacher with the dynamite ass, asked me to stay after class
And she started to undress
I can't forget the statement she made
If you drop you pants I'll raise your grade

(Girl) Dear Penthouse: I never thought those letters were true until

I was on a fishing trip and I met a girl named Jill
We had a little too much to drink
I couldn't believe what I was starting to think
So we headed to her tent, there's nothing like eating out
Though the next morning my mouth still smelled like trout

Chorus
I've read every issue since 1974
The first two years behind the bathroom door
I poured through every Penthouse I could find
Even though my mom said I'd go blind
Dear Penthouse: I'm a seaman first class at an overseas naval base
It's been seven long months since I've seen a woman's face
When I saw your recent issue, I took a box of Kleenex tissue
And I locked the barracks door
Thanks to you I've gotten a grip, please excuse my jerky penmanship
Chorus
Dear Penthouse: Doing sports on the radio has always been my jo
I've never wanted a man until I noticed BO
When we're close I start to perspire
His little buns set my loins on fire
And I dream about the day he'll say, “Chick” lets get undressed
Name and address held upon request