He's got a face like an alligator
A body like a refrigerator
And a butt that looks like a big bowl of mashed potato
He's always soakin' in sweat from his head down to his shoes
I wanna get me a pretty boy
Coz I got the ugly man blues

He's got hairy ears
But on his head it's getting thin
And the scale in the bathroom screams when he walks in
And if you gave him a toothbrush
He wouldn't know what to do
So while Jen's got Brad Pitt
I got the ugly man blues

He loves his pork and beans
He gobbles every bite
And then he blows the blanket off the bed all night
In the dictionary, his picture's right next to uncouth
Come and save me, Johnny Depp
From the ugly man blues

I'm takin' stock of the situation that I find myself in
Got to turn it all around
But don't know where to begin
I need an attitude adjustment
Coz there ain't nothing I can do
While I go on about this and that
About you know who
There's one important fact I've got to face up to
I'm stuck with an ugly man