There is a Barbie doll in the gravy boat up on mom's TV set
An angel made of Styrofoam holds Rita's cigarette
Santa waves an empty beer in his plastic hand
Everyone is here again, it's Christmas time again

You know the kids are in their sleepin' bags with every kind of toy
And Ken and Kay have hit the hay in dadâs new La-Z-Boy
Fran has got a cozy spot beneath the Christmas tree
Sittin' in his underwear, drunk as he can be

Last night, we stuffed our stockings and hung the mistletoe
When Santa Claus came knocking, he looked like Uncle Joe
Someone put the coffee on and find the Tylenol
Merry Christmas everyone, happy holidays y'all

Of course, old dad got mom a flannel robe and Ken, a socket set
Mom got Kay a super value pack of Nicorette
And Kay got Ken a Nordic Track and a new guitar for me
Ken got sister Spanish speaking lessons on CD

Last night, we all sang Jingle Bells and opened up our hearts
This morning, our house looks like hell or possibly Wal-Mart
Someone clean the gravy boat and dress the Barbie doll
Merry Christmas everyone, happy holidays y'all

We're makin' mimosas on the deck and packin' the U-Haul
Merry Christmas everyone, God bless us one and all