In early December my mother called me
And said, "Will you remember to keep Christmas free?
'Cause last year you went to your father's, you see
So this year it's time to see me"

And she said,
"Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la, drop by if you can
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la, but I'll understand
If you can't make it to my Christmas roast
I guess it's dependent on who you love most"

Then I got a call from my father as well
Who said, "Sammy, I've booked us a restaurant at twelve
It's too late to cancel, I hope you can come
Christmas shall be so much fun"

And she said,
"Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la, swing by at your leisure
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la, but don't feel any pressure
Just make an appearance if you're in town
And your grandma is dying, so don't let her down"

My girlfriend came 'round and said "This Christmas, please
Can we spend it together at home with her family?"
And all of her cousins and uncles and aunts
Who have come over from France
And will only be here for the weekend
And will be very disappointed if they don't get to meet me
And hence my absence would surely indicate a total lack of commitment to the relationship

So this year the day before Christmas begins
I'm buying a chainsaw to cut off my limbs
I'm wrapping them up and I'm sending them out
'Cause sharing's what Christmas is really about

And sing
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la, so my family
Fa-la-la-la-la-la, all get pieces of me
They'll have such fun, and I'll have fun also
'Cause I'm staying at home, just me and my torso

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la, there's fun to be found
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la, just rolling around
And when I stop breathing I'll smile and say
"Thank God that I'm leaving before Boxing Day"