SCROOGE: Bah, humbug, everybody
CHORUS: Good morning, Mr Scrooge!
SCROOGE: Well, the meeting will come to order, if you please Are all the advertising people represented here?
CHORUS: Everyone except Amalgamated Cheese!
SCROOGE: Well, if they're not here for the Christmas pitch, I can't help them find new ways of tying their product in to Christmas That's why I'm chairman of this board! Let's hear it for me!
CHORUS: Hear, hear!
SCROOGE: All right, Abercrombie, what are your people up to?
ABERCROMBIE: Ahhh, same thing as every year Fifty thousand billboards showing Santa Claus pausing to refresh himself with our product
SCROOGE: Mmmmm, hmmm, well, I think the public has come to expect that and
ABERCROMBIE: That's right It's become tradition!
SCROOGE: You there, Crass, uhh, I suppose your company's running the usual magazine ads showing cartons of your cigarettes peeking out of the top of Santa's sack?
CRASS: Better than that! This year we have him smoking one
SCROOGE: Um-hmmm
CRASS: Yes We've got Santa a little more rugged, too Both sleeves rolled up and a tattoo on each arm One of 'em says "Merry Christmas"
SCROOGE: What does the other one say?
CRASS: "Less tar!"
SCROOGE: Great stuff!
CRATCHET: But MrScrooge
SCROOGE: What? Who are you?
CRATCHET: Bob Cratchet, sir I've got a little spice company over in East Orange, New Jersey Do I have to tie my product in to Christmas?
SCROOGE: What do you mean?
CRATCHET: Well, I was just going to send cards out showing the three wise men following the Star of Bethlehem
SCROOGE: I get it! And they're bearing your spices Now that's perfect
CRATCHET: No, no no product in it I was just going to say, "Peace on Earth Good Will Toward Men"
MAN: Well, that's a peculiar slogan!
SCROOGE: Old hat, Cratchet! That went out with button shoes! You're a businessman Christmas is something to take advantage of!
SCROOGE: A red and green bandwagon to jump on!
SCROOGE: A sentimental shot in the arm for sales! Listen!
CHORUS: Deck the halls with advertising,
Fa la la la la la la la la
While you can be enterprising,
Fa la la la la la la la la
On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Four bars of soap,
Three cans of peas,
Two breakfast foods,
And some toothpaste on a pear tree!
On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
SCROOGE: Five tube-less tires!
CHORUS: Fo-ur quarts of gin,
Three ci-gars,
Two cig-ar-ettes,
And some hair tonic on a pear tree!
Chest-nuts roasting
ANNOUNCER: Sayyyy, Mother, as sure as there's an X in Christmas, you can be sure those are Tiny Tim Chestnuts roasting Tin-y Tim Chestnuts are frill-bodied longer lasting! This visible shell protects the nut! Now with X-K 29 added, for people who can't roast after every meal
GIRL TRIO: Tin-ee Tim! Tin-ee Tim! Chest-nuts all the way!
ANNOUNCER: Tin-y Tim's roast hot like a chestnut ought! And they are
(ECHO) mild, mild, mild, mild
CHORUS: Deck the halls with advertising,
Fa la la la la la la la la
'Tis the time for merchandising,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Profit never needs a reason,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Get the money, it's the season,
Fa la la la la la la la la
SCROOGE: Words to live by, Cratchet!
CRATCHET: For you, maybe Can't you just wish someone merry Christmas, for the pure joy of doing it?
SCROOGE: Why? What's the percentage in that? Let me show you how to make Christmas work for you!
CHORUS: We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
And please buy our beer!
SCROOGE: There you go, Cratchet! That's Christmas with a purpose
CRATCHET: I know, but wait a minute Don't you guys make enough profit the other eleven months? Christmas comes but once a year
SCROOGE: Humph! Funny thing you should bring that up That's exactly the point I was about to make Hit it, boys!
SCROOGE: Christmas comes but once a year,
So you better make hay while the snow is falling,
That's opportunity calling you!
CHORUS: Rub your hands, December's here,
What a wonderful time to be Glad and merry!
SCROOGE: Just so you're mercenary too!
CHORUS: Buy an ad and show all the toys,
Show all the toys up on the shelf
SCROOGE: Just make sure that you get a plug,
You get a plug, In for yourself!
SCROOGE AND CHORUS:
Christmas comes but once a year,
So you better cash in,
While the spirit lingers,
It's slipping through your fingers,
Boy! Don't you realize
Christmas can be such a
Monetary joy!
CRATCHET: Well, I guess you fellows will never change
SCROOGE: Why should we? Christmas has two s's in it, and they're both dollar signs
CRATCHET: Yeah, but they weren't there to begin with
SCROOGE: Eh?
CRATCHET: The people keep hoping you'll remember But you never do
SCROOGE: Remember what?
CRATCHET: Whose birthday we're celebrating
SCROOGE: Well, don't get me wrong The story of Christmas, in it's simplicity, is a good thing - I'll buy that It's just that we know a good thing when we see it
CRATCHET: But don't you realize Christmas has a significance, a meaning
SCROOGE: A sales curve! Wake up, Cratchet, it's later than you think
CRATCHET: I know, Mr Scrooge, I know
CHORUS: On the first day of Christmas,
The advertising's there, with
Newspaper ads,
Billboards too,
Business Christmas cards,
And commercials on a pear tree
Jingles here, jingles there,
Jingles all the way
Dashing through the snow,
In a fifty-foot coup-e
O'er the fields we go,
Selling all the way
Deck the halls with advertising,
What's the use of compromising,
Fa la la la la la la la la