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Gee, Officer Krupke! Music: Leonard Bernstein/Lyrics: Stephen Sondheim
RIFF: Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke, You gotta understand, It's just our bringing up-ke That get us out of hand. Our mothers all are junkies, Our fathers all are drunks, Golly Moses, natcherly we're punks!
RIFF and QUARTET: Gee. Officer Krupke, we're very upset; We never had the love that every child oughta get We ain't no delinquents, We're misunderstood, Deep down inside us there is good!
RIFF: There is good!
ALL: There is good, there is good, There's an tapped good, Like inside, the worst of us is good.
SNOWBOY(imitating Krupke): That's a touchin' good story!
ACTION: Lemme tell you to the world!
SNOWBOY ("Krupke"): Just tell it to the judge!
RIFF(to "Judge"): Dear kindly Judge, your Honor, My parents treat me rough, With all the marijuana, They won't give me a puff. They didn't wanna have me, But somehow I was had. Leapin' lizards, that's why I'm so bad!
DIESEL ("Judge"): Officer Krupke, you're really a square; This boy don't need a judge, he needs an analyst's care! It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed. He's psychologic'ly disturbed!
RIFF: I'm disturbed!
ALL: We're disturbed. we're disturbed, We're the most disturbed, Like we're psychologic'ly disturbed.
DIESEL ("Judge"): In the opinion of this court, this child is depraved on account he ain't had a normal home.
RIFF: Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!
DIESEL ("Judge"): So take him to a headshrinker.
RIFF (to "Psychiatrist"): My father beats my mommy, My mommy clobbers me. My grandpa's always plastered, My grandma pushes tea, My sister wears a mustache, My brother wears a dress, Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!
A-RAB ("psychiatrist"): Yes! Officer Krupke, you're really a slob. This boy don't need a doctor, just a good honest job. Society's played him a terrible trick, "Und" sociogic'ly he's sick!
RIFF: I am sick!
ALL: We are sick, we are sick, We are sick sick sick, Like we're sociologically sick!
A-RAB ("psychiatrist"): In my opinion this child don't need to have his head shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease!
RIFF: Hey, I got a social disease!
A-RAB ("psychiatrist"): So take him to a social worker!
RIFF (to "Social Worker"): Dear kindly social worker. They say go earn a buck, Like be a soda jerker, Which means like be a schmuck. It's not I'm anti-social, I'm only anti-work, Glory Osky, that's why I'm a jerk!
BABY JONN (imitating female social worker): Eek! Officer Krupke, you've done it again. This boy don't need a job, he needs a year in the pen. It ain't just a question of misunderstood; Deep down inside him, he's no good!
RIFF: I'm no good!
ALL: We're no good, we're no good, We're no earthly good, Like the best of us is no damn good!
DIESEL ("Judge"): The trouble is he's crazy!
A-RAB ("Psychiatrist"): The trouble is he drinks!
BABY JOHN ("Social Worker"): The trouble is he's lazy!
DIESEL ("Judge"): The trouble is he stinks!
A-RAB ("Psychiatrist"): The trouble is he's growing!
BABY JOHN ("Social Worker"): The trouble is he's grown!
ALL: Krupke. we got troubles of our own! Gee, Officer Krupke, We're down on our knees, 'Cause no one wants a fella with a social disease. Gee, Officer Krupke, What are we to do? Gee, Officer Krupke, Krup you!
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