Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt
Do you know what's not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons That's not natural
But we got pills for that
We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?

You know we have more prescription drugs now
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad
I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases
Like: "Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?"?
Oh my god I have this, write this down Whatever it is, I have it
Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is"¦
people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean
I'm like that is the greatest disease ever How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy

The schools now"¦ It is all about self-esteem in the schools now
Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
What's going to happen to our porno industry?
These women don't just grown on trees
It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?

Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time
You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east
Terrorists masterminds
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don't you think?
They're not masterminds
"OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack And you get on bus and you blow yourself up Alright?"?
"Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can't I just"¦"?
"Who's the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?"?

Americans, let's face it: We've been a spoiled country for a long time
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity They say we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic
An epidemic like it is polio Like we'll be telling our grand kids about it one day
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004
"How'd you get through it grandpa?"?
"Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere"?

Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle
I'll sit at a drive thru
I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter
Everything is mega meal, super sized Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker There's room in the back Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It's only three more cents

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
Of course not
You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think,
"You'll see I'm going to take of the world of computers! I'll show them"?

We're in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago
There are homeless people everywhere
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol
And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on
Why am I judging this poor bastard
People love to judge homeless guys Like if you give them money they're just going to waste it
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He's homeless
I walked behind this guy the other day
A homeless guy asked him for money
He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don't you go get a job you bum
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants
Outside his pants I'm guessing his resume isn't all up to date
I'm predicting some problems during the interview process
I'm pretty sure even McDonalds has a "underwear goes inside the pants"? policy
Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I'm sure it is on the books