What do you do in the middle of the night
When it's dead, dead quiet and your Mum's asleep
And your Dad's asleep and the door is shut
And the light is out and the room is dark
And the curtains drawn and you're on your own
Your bed is warm and your dream is rude
And your hand's restless and your knob is hard

Have a wank! Have a wank!
Have a mutha fuckin' wank!

I'm getting out my cock
I pull my foreskin back
I reveal my acorn
And give it a little smack
I'm thinking of ladies
Playing with their vulva's
And inserting objects
Into their women's areas

What do you do in the middle of the day
When the TV's shit and there's nothing on
When you got no money and you got no beer
And you've read the paper from cover to cover
Radio's playing a pile of shit like Darius Danesh and Robbie Williams
Who are the two biggest cunts in the whole wide world!

Have a wank!
Have a mutha fuckin' wank!

I'm getting out my cock
I'm gonna wank for Britain
I'm cumming in a sock
And then I'll put my kit on
I'm wanking as if
My life depended on it
I'm picturing some tits
I'm imagining a clit

Come on, come on,
Come and have a wank with me
Come on, come on,
Come and have a wank with me
Come on, come on,
Come and have a wank with me
Come on, come on,
Come and have a wank with me

Wank your hairy cock with me